It’s Ace Week!

This year’s theme was ace creativity so I thought I would write about being an aro-ace agender writer, how that affects how I write romantic and sexual relationships, and how I work aceness into my stories. 

Being Aro-Ace

As an aro-ace agender writer who has never dated/slept with/wanted to date or sleep with anyone ever, my living experience can feel really niche to the point where it feels like I’ll never get the rep I need because my experience is so “rare”. This can also make writing romantic or sexual relationships that others recognize as romantic or sexual difficult. 

I don’t understand how sexual attraction works or what makes someone attractive or even when people realize they find other people attractive. I often feel like Dr. Manhattan when he said “a live human body and a deceased human body have the same number of particles. Structurally, there’s no difference.” Except for me it would “a clothed body and a naked body have the same number of particles. Aesthetically and sexually, there’s no difference.”

I remember being really flummoxed by a beta reader comment asking “why does the MC think other people should find the SC attractive” and “Why does the MC find the LI attractive? You should work more homoerotic references into this scene” and I had a mini panic attack because I had no idea what that would look like. My one example of homoeroticism (and I’m still not a hundred percent sure why it’s considered homoerotic) is Hannibal and so I was like, should the MC give the LI a still beating heart? IDK. That would work better with Demons, not so much with crocodile people. 

I don’t understand what makes something romantic or how it’s different from friendship. I was talking to another writer friend about these three characters who are supposed to be together but keep finding reasons not to and they said, “oh you should let them pine for each other” and I felt a very visceral no! Because who has time for that! Even though it’s a common romance trope…

I love the concept of queerplatonic, but not sure I truly know what it means or what it looks like…although my characters have more intense friendships then romantic or sexual ones so maybe I’m writing about it all the time and I don’t realize it. 

I’m still trying to figure out how my lack of a gender affects attraction/my understanding of attraction. I know that I rarely acknowledge my own body so I have no idea of how I would make myself “look good” or “look attractive”. And I almost never find anything aesthetically attractive about other people and if I do, it literally lasts for a minute or two and then it disappears and I’m left very confused.

I’m also unable to read or watch anything where the romantic or sexual relationship is a core component of the media. If I do, I get very frustrated and just skip through all those scenes because they’re boring/meaningless to me. So I can’t even engage with media that deal with these relationships because I just can’t get through them or I skip the parts I should be studying. I struggle reading books with ace characters as well because they always feel like the ace character has to be presented and explained within an allosexual framing, even when the author themselves are on the ace spectrum. Which just makes me feel more isolated from my own identity because I can’t even find an ace character that I can identify with.

All of these factors can make it feel like I’m pounding against a wall when I have to write about people being together and that a key component of my writing is missing. There is the fear that I’ll never truly get people interested in my books because there isn’t a romantic component and I can’t feed the shipping flames or even engage in that side of the fandom because it doesn’t interest me/doesn’t make sense to me. Or, worst, the fandom will take my canonically ace and aro-ace characters and turn them allosexual which feels like a deep betrayal of who they are and who I am.

Writing about relationships

And, yet, relationships are going to form – some romantic, others platonic – in my stories and so I had to figure out how I would approach these relationships. They generally fall into three categories: 

• Category one: already established relationships that are in the stable, “un-sexy” phase so I don’t have to deal with the early relationship drama and can just pull from old jokes and stories and that exhausted “I love you but I’ve also been married to you for thirty years and sometimes I want to kill you and other times I just want to be alone, but would be devastated if I lost you forever” feel that a lot of older relationships in fiction have
• Category two: toxic, abusive, demented relationships that are terrible and harmful and doomed
• Category three: no one knows what’s going on, but they haven’t killed each other yet or tried to manipulate each other, so maybe it’s somewhat healthy?

I’m most comfortable writing the first category because it’s really just an old and tested friendship with maybe more kissing? Although I will admit, I definitely add more references to physical affection if they’re older LGBTQ+ relationships just because we don’t have a lot of those – either in fiction or in real life.

Category three annoys me because I just don’t know what is going on, so I don’t know what those relationships need. I will admit that usually those relationships are confusing because at least one of the partners is on the aro/ace spectrum and neither I nor the character has realized it yet. Once we figure out where they belong, those relationships make more sense and are easier to develop.

Category two relationships are my favorite to write because I get to dissect and destroy relationships in a cathartic way. Usually those relationships aren’t built on attraction or romance, but on manipulation and transactions, and so it’s easier to write because I’m just studying how someone breaks someone completely while getting everything they want (or failing and dying brutally haha). 

It’s really refreshing for me because I can basically write about the abuse I went through and I’ve seen and study the behavior and patterns from a removed position. Then I get that cathartic release when things fall apart and usually at least one person dying. I think it’s why I love the play Othello so much, because it’s about a relationship being poisoned and the dark destruction of everyone involved. Or even the Macbeth and Demona relationship in the show Gargoyles. They were friends, maybe more (Macbeth does marry Demona when she’s in her human form – it’s a long story) and their entire relationship is built on mistrust and betrayal, but they have no one else.

I mean it’s horrible when it happens in real life, but there is something very cathartic for me to read or watch fictional destruction (which probably has more to do with my trauma then my sexual orientation). Not only is it cathartic, but it’s easier for me to understand a relationship that is build on material things and needs as oppose to sexual or romantic impulses. I will never understand why a man rolling up his shirt sleeves is attractive, but I can understand why someone will stay with a person who makes them feel stable or who can provide wealth or a safe space to be. 

So, in short, relationships only make sense to me when they’re old, stable relationships or toxic, destructive relationships. And I’m sure you found all of that fascinating, but how do I work aceness into my stories?

Writing about Aceness

I generally don’t write about my characters discovering their aceness, with few exceptions. A lot of times my characters are introduced knowing they’re ace and/or aro-ace and there is little discussion of what that means. Everyone in my world understands what it means and no one questions it. I also don’t really write about being ace. A lot of my characters simply are ace and that’s that. I wrote it that way because that’s how I think about being ace. Aro-ace isn’t my identity until someone forces me to find an identity by flashing RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, ROMANCE in front of my face. Otherwise, it doesn’t really affect my life because I’ve been aro-ace all my life so I’m not “missing” anything like a lot of allosexual people assume. I’m literally just living my life until someone forces their life expectations on me.

Of course I say that, but it’s also hard not to work aceness into an ace character’s life, even if being ace isn’t the focus of the story or even that particular character. I think the obvious feature of being ace is being unable to understand or feel sexual attraction to another character.

One of my books is written as a memoir and even though the MC writes about other characters being together and eventually marries his own LI, there is no exploration of attraction or what is considered attractive, etc. His LI is a handsome sex worker and burlesque dancer who can win just about anyone over with his good looks, but the MC doesn’t even notice. The most the MC will notice is that the LI is wearing less clothes than usual, but that’s it. I think I may recreate my own experience at a burlesque show in the next draft where the LI will perform a strip tease and the MC won’t even notice really. He’ll just sit there and think hm they have amazing muscle control. 

Another aspect of being ace, and especially aro-ace, is that the things most people “want” in life: sexual experiences, romantic experiences, etc. never enter your mind. For the ace and/or aro-ace person this is normal so we don’t even notice, but for other people it feels like something is missing, like there is a void that needs to be filled and the ace/aro-ace person is the weirdo for not noticing. But the aro-ace/ace person is like, stop poking me. There is no void!

And that fundamentally changes the type of relationships the ace/aro-ace person will have with people. I won’t say it makes them cherish friendships more, but, at least for an aro-ace person like me, it makes friendship the only relationship I’ll have with people. I’m not looking for anything more than that, can’t feel anything more than that, and so friendship becomes the ultimate relationship goal (however you want to define that and I would throw queerplatonic relationships into that category for the sake of this post, even though others will probably disagree/have their own thoughts).

Which sort of leads to the third aspect: if you’re ace, you’re not thinking about sex except maybe in an abstract way or if you have a libido that needs satisfying. If you’re aro-ace, you’re not thinking about sex or romance except, again in an abstract way or if you have a libido. Also masturbation is quicker, more effective, and equally satisfying way to settle that libido. Other aces and aro-aces enjoy having sex. I do not and a lot of my ace characters don’t either just because that’s sort of my default setting (pretty sure I’m borderline sex repulsed)

I do try to capture a lot of different ace characteristics and experiences with my characters, but also capture the representation I need, and I need an aro-ace agender person who doesn’t care about sex or romance, has no experience with either of those things, doesn’t want experience in either of those things, and doesn’t enjoy even the idea of engaging in sex, let alone actually having it.

Examples of Ace Characters in my Stories

When I write a character, their default sexuality is going to either on the aro and/or ace spectrum or bisexual. I have dozens of characters on the ace spectrum, but these are some of my favorite characters/the most interesting characters.

Kingsley Montivelo

Kingsley, my queer anthro crocodile war criminal/freedom fighter depending on who you ask, is an interesting ace character because while I’m fairly certain he is ace, I don’t know where the hell he fits on the ace spectrum and he doesn’t really care enough to figure it out. Which is legitimate as some people don’t really know where they fit on the spectrum and are still quite comfortable with who they are. However, it can also make deciphering his relationships with other characters difficult. He is one of my rare aces who ends up in a relationship, mostly because I decided he was going to have a boyfriend before I realized he was ace.

Kingsley’s first encounter with “feelings” is with his best friend, (also a queer anthro crocodile like most characters in the queer anthro crocodile book) Devin, the happy-go-lucky playboy who goes through partners like tissue paper because it’s easier than facing the reality of being a rebel. Kingsley has a controlling, jealous friendship with him that could have potentially turned into something if either one of them had matured enough before spoilerish things happened. But they ended up going their own way and I think Kingsley will always have this confusing sense of an “almost” with Devin, even though he can’t say it was ever going to be anything romantic or sexual.

After the spoilerish thing happened, Kingsley was in a bad way, dealing with lots of trauma, and felt he was losing Devin, didn’t want to lose anything else, and then he met Kerry, another ace character who i simply adore. Kerry is a fellow rebel leader who has little patience for Kingsley for reasons. To make matters worse, Devin grows close to Kerry, simply replacing struggling Kingsley with functional Kerry. Kingsley has feelings for Kerry that are closer to a crush, but it’s a possessive, jealous, desperate for validation thing that quickly turns into a loathing that could prove fatal for both of them. One of my beta readers put it best, “Kingsley either wants Kerry, wants to be Kerry, or wishes others would respect him like they respect Kerry.”

After some maturing and other spoilerish things, Kingsley finds himself utilizing the services of a very capable and talented sex worker, burlesque dancer, and one of the most powerful politicians in the country named Oisin (who is one of the greatest characters I’ve ever written tbh). Oisin has had a crush on Kingsley forever and has tried everything to get his attention, but Kingsley never noticed him until Oisin proved he was effective and useful.

Their relationship is one of those toxic disasters I love to write. Oisin is driven into many a panic attack about their relationship because Oisin only understands relationships in terms of sex. He’s never had a romantic relationship before, but Kingsley doesn’t understand sexual attraction. So the only way Oisin can get and keep his attention is to perform favors and small miracles for Kingsley, which means he has to be perfect at all times. The minute he fails in a task for Kingsley, he feels he’ll lose Kingsley forever (Oisin has some co-dependence issues…).

Meanwhile, Kingsley finds Oisin the most attractive when he’s completely ruthless and accomplishing the impossible. He tolerates the sex for Oisin’s sake, but personally finds it boring and exhausting. I think Kingsley has romanticish feelings for Oisin since Oisin adds stability and validation to his life, but will lose interest once Oisin becomes a liability.

So Kingsley isn’t great ace rep, but I think it’s just as important to have complex ace characters as it is to have standard “good” and “pure” ace characters. Kingsley’s understanding that relationships are transactional is also reflective on how I’ve approached the rare chance of having a partner. A few people have asked me if I was interested in dating them and I immediately assessed whether they wanted what I wanted and could help me get it, and I said no both times because they couldn’t help me. Not only did they want different things, they didn’t even realize what I really wanted and I feel Kingsley is similar.

By the time he is ready to have a relationship, he is only interested in people who can help him and thus the “attraction’“ isn’t sexual or even romantic, but more material and skills based (it makes him sound like an HR agent trying to find the perfect employee 😅). Romantic love can and does come out of it for Kingsley, (and they have a few domestic scenes that are warm and full of “feelings”) but like, I said, he’s a survivor first and foremost, and so love will never top survival (to be fair, Oisin eventually realizes what he truly is to Kingsley and begins to priority survival as well, so the power imbalances between the two evens out as the series progresses until the spoilerish ending).

Kerry McNair

Kerry is a rebel anthro crocodile who is basically a self-insert. An aro-ace nonbinary masc character (pronouns are they/he), he’s never had a sexual or romantic relationship, doesn’t want a sexual or romantic relationship, please stop asking him. Unlike me, he cares more for his appearance and dresses well, but unfortunately for him that just attracts more people to him, so he has to find this balance of doing what he enjoys (self-care basically) while also dealing with people who take it as an invitation to flirt with him. Kerry is a no nonsense, sarcastic, effective leader who doesn’t enjoy small talk, people, or collaborative work. He likes to be alone, to organize things, and to see results. This can make him difficult to befriend and he’s a bit like Bilbo. He doesn’t know the few people he actually likes half as well as he would like and likes less than half of the people he knows half as well as they deserve.

As I mentioned above, Kerry doesn’t like Kingsley, because Kingsley is the opposite of Kerry. Kerry thinks he’s sloppy, ineffective, self-absorbed, and dangerous for their cause. In all honesty, Kerry doesn’t think about Kingsley until he’s forced to (a bit like his own sexual identity) and it’s always a bit of a violent reaction whenever he has to deal with Kingsley. Kingsley just brings out the worst in people haha. I don’t think Kerry purposefully alienates Kingsley, he just feels threatened by Kingsley’s own instability and unpredictability and thus acts out to protect himself.

Kerry takes his friends seriously, another reason he doesn’t get along with Kingsley who treats people like disposal tools. Because Kerry is so anti-social, he cherishes the few people who don’t drive him crazy. Two of those characters: Marcus, a trans rebel leader who’s known Kerry since they were kids and is planning to proposal to Kerry’s sister and Devin. Marcus and Kerry are ying and yang: Marcus is passionate, volatile, impulsive, and a natural born leader. Kerry is quiet, calculating, quiet, and natural born organizer. Marcus is the only person he trusts with sister’s and his niblings’ lives (the only family he has left) and Marcus is basically an adopted brother. They have one of my classic unbreakable friendships, the rare cases where characters trust each other so much, nothing can shatter it (which is super rare in my stories, since trust is so fragile, but so sacred).

Kerry’s other friend/borderline queerplatonic partner is, you guessed it, Devin. At first glance, they are exact opposites, but they actually share the same values: friends and family members are the only things that matter, creation is more important than destruction, community, not violence, will always defeat evil. Kerry and Devin have to rebuild a lot of things after spoilerish things happen and both have to deal with Kingsley’s jealous nonsense, which only drives them closer and closer together (which only increases Kingsley’s jealous). Devin provides the support Kerry usually expects from Marcus and Kerry supports Devin in ways Kingsley never could.

Alexander Phillips

Alex is a demiromantic ace journalist with a LOT of trauma (and most of it is Kingsley’s fault). He is also one of my few ace characters in a loving relationship, even though it is far from functional. Alex really captures what it’s like to have the vague idea that the rest of the world is weird because everyone you know is so obsessed with things that you don’t feel or even understand. Alex met Christine, his wife, when they were in their teens and they became friends over their mutual sense of not belonging (Christine often disappears into “visions” where she may or may not received snippets of the future from some supernatural entity) and Alex doesn’t develop feelings for Christine until years later. It’s the perfect definition of a slow burn romance that I’m still struggling with capturing perfectly. I think it comes across more as two committed friends who decide to live together then a romantic pairing, but maybe it’s the stronger for it? It’s one of the core relationships that drives the book, so I hope it works.

Heron Massie

An old, grumbling anthro crocodile who is aro-ace. He’s one of my rare aces who attempted to have a sexual relationship (with a Gargoyle) and it just didn’t work, so he walked away from it. Like Kingsley, he didn’t bother with his own sexual identity until much later in life and for the same reason: there’s a lot going on when you’re a rebel leader. Relationships often take a back burner. Heron is also an example of never really having to identity oneself until forced to. The fling with the Gargoyle is backstory, but I imagine she approached him first and he was like, “yeah, all right. Spoilerish thing happened and I’m exhausted. Let’s go for it” and then decided he did not like it.

Grigori Ignatenko

Finally, we have Grigori who is the MC of my short scifi story “Firebird”. It is published in Ezra Arndt’s upcoming anthology My Say In the Manner, which is currently on Goodreads and will be published next year.

Grigori is an aro-ace agender mercenary who was part of a terrible experiment as a child and has lots of trauma and trust issues (I’m sensing a theme here). He never knew what friendship was until he met Ruslan Yusupov, a doctor who took pity on Grigori and gave him a home when Grigori needed it most. Ruslan fell in love with him, but Grigori wasn’t able to replicate the same feelings and they developed a queerplatonic relationship with intense feelings for each other. Grigori attempts now and then to engage in “romantic” and “sexual” behavior expected between partners, but every time he tries it leads to a lot of discomfort. So they work together to find behavior and expressions of love that satisfies Ruslan’s needs and feel comfortable for Grigori. I haven’t fully decided yet, but Grigori may be borderline sex repulsed like myself.

In the short story, something happens to Grigori and he uses his memories of Ruslan and their friendship to center himself and create something new and powerful (with the help of a pissed off elemental spirit thing…) With Grigori, I explore how one’s agender identity can also affect one’s own sexual and romantic identity and spoilerish things happen which allows Grigori to finally feel comfortable gender wise that could potentially allow himself to open up more emotionally.

There are dozens more, but I think these characters are a good representation of how I explore aceness and different kind of relationships.