I’m tired

I’m tired of having to care about spreadsheets and other stupid things

When my world is dying

And my friends are dying

And the country I thought I knew and love

Never existed

And the country I”m left with

Isn’t worth saving

But it’s my home

And I’m afraid of leaving 

Everything I know.

But how can i stay

In a home that doesn’t want me?

That wants to kill me?

But first it’ll kill my friends

And my neighbors

And the people who make up the background of my life

People I don’t notice until they are gone.

I ride the bus and look at all the businesses

And people

And houses

And I ask myself, “will I notice when people start disappearing?”

Or am I so cocooned in my own white bullshit

I won’t even be aware anyone’s gone?

How many people have to disappear for anyone to care?

Not 1 million.

Not even 6 million.

I am busy

But am I making a difference?

Always asking am I involved with the right groups?

I’m never doing enough.

This isn’t a revolution

But I know one is coming.

Where do I find it?

How do I find it?

Am I brave enough for it?

How am I supposed to function?

How are any of us supposed to function?

I want to stop functioning.

I want to stop doing anything that contributes to this fucked up society

I want to step out

I want to lay down my sword and my pen

I want to sleep

And when I wake, I want to rip this world in two

I don’t want to be trapped in my whiteness

My middle-class nature

My bourgeoise upbringing

My nine-to-five, pay the bills on time

Always the rule follower

Spineless sycophant

Who needs everyone to love them

And be happy with them

Because all I’ve ever known is rejection and violence.

But I am response for four mentally ill people

Who I love

And I can’t retreat

Because where will we live?

How will we eat?

And that is how the system traps you

Because I have no community

And I don’t know how to build one

Because I hate people

And I hate vulnerability

And I’m so fucking tired of being treated less than human

And I’m so fucking tired of forced social interactions

I’ve never found my people

And I’m too scared to start looking

Because it requires too much from me

And so I’m trapped

Trapped in my trauma and my father’s horror

And my whiteness and my money

And I just want to claw out

But I’m afraid of blood.

Afraid of who I’ll cut 

During my mad escape

Afraid of where I’ll end up.

The fear of losing everything keeps you enslaved.

I have a life that many people would want.

I am safer than many of my peers and friends

I have a good place to live

I have a good job with good benefits

I’ve kept my family with me

They are alive and getting the help they need.

I am grateful for what I have

But it is also a heavy source of shame

Because I have it and don’t do enough with it

Because I have it when so many people don’t.

Because I can’t count the people I’ve harmed to get it.

Because I haven’t untangled how my whiteness helped me.

Because I can’t say that when the revolution comes, 

I should be spared.